I’ve Got You!

I finally found the philosophy that I want to follow at work: Appreciative Inquiry. It is derived from the term used in the art world, “appreciative eye,” and is a way of moving organizations forward (and I contend that I can use it in my personal life). We normally look at everything through a problem solving method. That is, we look at situations and try to find whats wrong so we can fix it. Appreciative Inquiry is the practice of finding out what has gone well and figuring out how to do more of that. In this way, you naturally do less of the non-productive stuff. I write this because I feel like my organization has done enough (and our new leader, too much) trying to fix whats wrong instead of trying to do more of whats right. 

Anyway, I wanted to get this down before I moved on to taking care of other stuff around the house. I’m enthusiastic about trying to push this approach at work. I think we can be more effective if we try it. We certainly can’t do worse for trying something new. The whole culture we’ve got is an experiment anyway. Why not try something else?

I’m still riding a wave of good feelings and good times. Sadly, I’ve had to pepper it with Kali getting pretty freakin sick and thus a massive financial drain. She’s better now thankfully. I was at the point where money was going to be a deciding factor and I definitely don’t enjoy that feeling. Worse is the fact that nobody could figure out just what was wrong, so we just have to hope it was a bug and its gone. Still trying to figure out how I’m going to pay to board her when I travel to Florida this week. =\ I guess if I have to charge it, whats another couple/few hundred on top of thousands right? Its irresponsible and it pisses me off, but whatever. Fuck money. There I said it.

I *finally* got some sun this weekend. Since I was in need of something cheap, my Carowinds season pass got me into the water park. No cost to get in, no cost to park, got plenty of sun and had some fun. Also started working on a project with a friend. I hope we see it through to completion so I can say I’ve written a script, but who knows. We just gotta keep on keepin on.

So today brought me back to work and back to monotony. I got my itnerary finished up for the Florida trip and some dull paperwork done. I’m really looking forward to being gone for a week to briefly see family and then dive into some great technology! To prepare for it all, I’m having to do school work this week to allow for the weekend and I’m also having to do a little more at work. I really want to get it done but I feel kind of worried that my time in FL is going to be packed wall to wall and I don’t want that. I just want to go a little slower and enjoy.

Well thats my lunch break. Time to finish out the work day and go home to study!

I’m feeling really good about how things are going. The little brother seems to be really cool. We had a great time playing video games and eating pizza at this place in town. At the end of the night we had amassed 1000 tickets and he walked out with all kinds of junk from the prize counter. Along with the little brother, I’ve found myself with the most friends I’ve had in a long time. Granted, I only count one of them as a really good friend, but the others are coming along as we’re getting to know each other. It seems like I might finally have the little group of friends I’ve wanted. 

I’ve got the Las Vegas trip planned out and booked now. Looking really forward to that. 5 days and 4 nights of debauchery. In addition, it looks like I’m traveling to Phoenix in July (super hot) and then working a few days and then I’ve taken a week off in July to just sit at home and chill.  When it comes to home, I’ve got stuff a little more in order than it has been. As much as I hate doing housework, I’ve somehow motivated myself to get it organized and keep it that way for the most part. 

Alongside my studies, I’m still on this whole leadership kick. I’ve taken so many assessments of my self and have been working on developing myself that I’m now beginning to turn a critical eye to the so-called leaders in my business organization. I say “so-called” simply because in so many instances, they do not live up to the culture we’ve created and they don’t seem to be leaders in the sense of having loyal followers. They’re leaders in title and have followers who fear. In the 50’s, this was probably a great style. Now … not so much. I’ve really come to embrace leadership as a more personal and interpersonal trait. Leadership is about people and motivation. Not simply about power through titles and fear. The critical eye I’ve taken has helped me relax because I understand more of what motivates those in power around me. That allows me to manipulate the situation if I feel that I am being manipulated instead of coached and given the opportunity to grow. This may sound negative, but my intentions are not so sinister. I only wish to be allowed to grow and to recieve positive coaching instead of being used as a pawn. If someone wants to manipulate me, they do not have my best interest at heart and therefore deserve nothing less than to have the tables turned. Thats organizational politics at its worst. 

At the end of the day, I’m feeling good lately and I am glad. I feel like there have been some clouds lately but that they’ve finally blown over. Hopefully, I’m entering a period with blue skies, green lights, all rights, and more smiles than frowns. But no clowns. I hate clowns. They are NOT funny.

All of this study about leadership really does make me look inward more. I wonder about my behaviours and why I can change some yet struggle with others. I wonder why feelings bubble to the surface when they do. I wonder why I am who I am. I really enjoy the complicated set of variables (experiences, people, places, things) that have shaped me. I am not like anybody else and nobody else is like me. Its such a cool thought.

With this whole mood I watched Home for the Holidays tonight. I seem to watch it once a year. The family dynamic in it is hilarious and sad at the same time and it makes me miss my own family. I often wonder what they’re doing when I think about them. I enjoy a good relationship all around and wouldn’t change it for the world. Even if there are things we don’t talk about and share, I feel like we all know each other and are active parts of the others lives. I *really* want to have that bond with someone else, but I still feel like my own life is destined to be one where I simply help others along the way.

The minimum I am here for is to help others find things they’re looking for. The maximum obviously is something far greater which I have yet to discover. Is it wrong to believe that I have a higher purpose?

Either way…..

I meet my new little brother tomorrow. I pray I can positively influence and impact his life.

Of the lessons I’ve learned in my short life, these are the ones currently at the forefront:

1) You don’t always know what is best for yourself. Sometimes, others do.

2) Forgiveness is a gift that you should continue to give.

3) Forgiveness is a gift that is rarely given back … but, see #2 above.

4) Silence is the strongest form of control.

5) Life is not about trivial, material things. It is more about trust, inspiration, and time.

6) Paving your own path is only wise if you’re headed somewhere unique … where nobody else has gone.

7) There may be many reasons people choose to avoid the road less traveled. Namely, that it isn’t always the best way but it is likely harder.

When its dark and you’re alone, you have nowhere to look but within.

9) Success comes from personal accountability and your willingness to own failure instead of placing blame.

10) You can still keep going after you can’t.

11) Two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

12) You have to get out of your own way first.

13) Never let someone tell you that you can’t do something.

14) Once you stop learning and growing, you start dying.

Nothing in particular brought these on. Random encounters and observations made me remember many of these. I must committ to forgive, to learn and grow, to believe, and to trust in order to be happy and successful in life.

I’m obsessed. hah. A colleague of mine mentioned this morning that someone had made a remark about leadership. This remark was disparaging to my colleague and thus the whole idea of what leaders are and what leadership is popped back in to my head. In doing a quick web search a definition presented simply says that a leader is a person who rules, guides, or inspires others. I think found this article: http://www.usatoday.com/money/jobcenter/workplace/successstrategies/2002-11-14-leader_x.htm

In that article, the author says that:

Management is based on order and control and makes use of sophisticated processes. It came into being during the Industrial Revolution, when a mass of uneducated workers needed to be marshaled. Leadership, on the other hand, is about expressing the human spirit — the real source of greatness. We cannot teach leadership in the same way we teach management.

And I couldn’t agree more. Leadership is about expressing the human spirit and, to me, about inspiring positive change. I disagree with the web definition that leadership is about ruling others. So my colleague seems to feel beat up by the conversation where leadership was called into question. I think the person who did this approached it in the wrong way honestly. That seems to be a common problem around here when it comes to leadership.

The true leader would have sought to inspire my colleague to do better and not to simply tell my colleague that what they had done was not something a leader would do. The feedback given there is not useful and does nothing more than demoralize and promote insecurity.  I see people in positions of authority believing that they are leaders yet only believing that because of their position. In this case, leadership is situational and is not really leadership at all in my opinion. It is leadership only in the sense of ruling others.

The true leader would have *coached* and offered valid feedback. They would have looked for the potential in the situation and the person.

This ties in to my last post so perfectly! Do we have managers or leaders here? Or do we have something less? I think we’ve got a mix, but what concerns me is the lack of common definition of what a leader is and what leadership is. Simply making decisions is *not* leadership. Reaching collaborative decisions and inspiring others is leadership (to me).

Where is my organization going?

I’ve been somewhat ill at ease at work lately. We have this culture (well…we’re supposed to have it) that encourages giving, getting, and soliciting feedback. So, that was one of the biggest things that attracted me to the environment and the hope that it will continue to develop has kept me there. In the spirit of the culture, I solicited some feedback and got some completely unexpected comments. The person told me what I need to be doing, what I don’t need to be doing, and that I’m not a leader. Obviously in more words than that, but that was the gist. I thanked them for the feedback and have been processing it every since. 

It was a hard set of comments to hear and respect. I feel like some of it is useful and some of it is useless. For example, “leader” and “leadership” are completely in the eye of the beholder. The person I got feedback from completely follows rules, doesn’t question them, is a hard ass on everyone in the office, and can be quite unreasonable. I say that not only through my own experience, but through the experiences of others who constantly talk about this person. Now with that said, I’ve had to take all of this in to account. To this person, I’m fairly confident that “leadership” is doing what you’re supposed to do and making sure others do what they are supposed to do when they interact with you. Basically, they carry out.

I call that management. Not leadership. 

To me, a manager and a leader are not mutually exclusive. Managers get things done much the same way as the person I described above. Leaders bring change, ensure that processes are the right processes by questioning them, set a path rather than blindly moving forward, and they take in to account people, process, business, and a thousand other variables … but most importantly they keep people and the human element at the forefront of decisions because those are the wildest elements in any business equation. 

Am I a leader? Not necessarily, but I do exhibit some of the qualities. Am I a manager? Yeah. So, my view of self and this persons view of me don’t really mesh. I left feeling like I do a terrible job because of the things they said. I know that I do a good job and continually improve because I have data to show it. I seek that data where a majority of my colleagues do not. That is, I seek feedback and try to improve. I set my path through strategic planning that covers at least two years. Many, but not all of my colleagues, do this same thing. Many of us question processes when they are not efficient … but not all of us do. I propose that many of the senior leaders in my company are leaders. We all do things to help make the place run smoother. We also constantly address the human element! 

So, the feedback I got was not all valid. I’m convinced of that now. There were some things in there that helped. Perceptions about how I handle myself in certain situations. Luckily nothing earth shattering. My view of self is still intact. I write about this because I need to remember that not all feedback is valid feedback. I took it all very personally at first without the context of who it was coming from. I shouldn’t do that anymore.

I took my final exams for the semester and so I’m just about halfway to my masters. The summer courses I’m taking look to be much more intense as they are shorter by a third than a normal semester. This is when I’ll see if I can do it or not. With everything else going on, the daunting task of weekly papers, projects, musings, and discussion posts is filling me with a little bit of fear and doubt. I believe that I’ll be ok and that I’ll pass with flying colors, but those seeds of doubt are there. In this garden that is me, just one weed has the potential to ruin it all - but that potential is severely diminished by my will. 

Looks like I’m winding up with A’s again and still feeling unchallenged. I start each semester feeling fear that I might have to donate more than my time in order to succeed. I end each semester feeling unfulfilled and only slightly accomplished because it took so little effort to pass. This isn’t a reflection on the institution, rather it is a reflection on my self for not making a connection with a professor or colleague who could challenge me. My own anti-social behaviors prevent me from feeling fulfilled. It is truly challenging *interaction* that I crave and not just assignments. Perhaps I’m not using the format for learning that is best for me. Too bad I can’t just work at some privately funded think tank for generalists who want to tackle whatever problems and questions may arise. Maybe thats where I should look since the challenges to which I most look forward are mental. 

My need for gadgetry has again played out over the last week. A blackberry storm and the ASUS 1000HE netbook found their ways in to my life. The bberry storm is replacing my personal ATT phone and professional t-mobile blackberry 8820. Since work won’t allow the combination of professional and personal on the provided devices, I’ve elected to decline their device and instead consolidate on a device of my choosing. While I’m picking up the expense for it, I’m much happier not having two devices and instead having a pretty hot all-in-one. The ASUS 1000HE netbook is pretty slick in its own right. I had previously played with the 8.9 inch version and was left feeling uneasy because of the keyboard size and the fact that the right SHIFT button was never where my finger would land. The 10.1 inch 1000HE is a *much* improved version with the much larger keyboard, correctly placed SHIFT, higher resolution camera, bluetooth, and 802.11n support. I upgraded the RAM and I’m off and running. Beautiful. 

Speaking of beautiful, I want to mention the fact that the weather has been amazing. Despite my allergies to the hardwood pollens in the air, I’ve enjoyed the return of warm, sunny days. Again I was on rollercoasters today. That place makes NO money off me since I don’t eat or drink there and buy a season pass. Their loss. My gain. Sad side effect of being outside in the pollen: now I need a nap. But thats what weekends are for.

I’m acting out. I see that and I wonder whats happening inside that makes me do this. I’ve stopped letting work bother me nearly as much … almost to the point that it scares me. I’ve got a tattoo … which I completely do not regret and am still extremely amazed that I finally found something of meaning to me. I’m planning trips. I’m ……………. living? Can it be? Have I found some passion inside that has put me back on the path to experiencing life instead of just slogging through it? I don’t know. I’m probably reading too much into my own behavior, but I feel it is worth exploration. 

Allow me to set the tone - note that I hate this video, but the music is good. Hit play and dont watch the video.

So whats going on with me. Well, I’m typing in the dark again. Thats always when I get creative. Something about the absence of light makes me feel … stronger. I feel this way because in the dark you can’t judge my actions. I am my own judge and jury. But thats not what we’re here to discuss. I really should be asleep right now. heh. 

My actions of late. I feel more and more tied to this job and these material things I possess. I can’t just quit because the ripples in my pond would be felt for years to come. No, I have to find a way through. Am I acting out of boredom? I’ve continually expressed my displeasure with this plateau I’m on. I am not accustomed to plateaus. My ascent to here was rapid. My expectations are high. Expectations. Do I really have any? On others, no. On myself, hell yes. 

Sad statement. 

I have no expectations of others because my strength so far has come from within. I am a product of my childhood or my lost childhood as it were. Am I acting out because of my Peter Pan complex? I tell myself I’ll live forever. I tell myself I’ll change the world. My behavior is unpredictable at times. I am curious. I don’t mind getting dirty. I am a boy … not some self-made man. 

I feel lost in my thoughts right now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and again: I’m ready for a change. Ready for the next level. Ready for more. I am not content and likely never will be. Progress waits for no man, so I either have to watch it happen or be part of it. I want to smell every smell, taste every taste, feel everything, see everything, and live it all again and again. I want to GROW. 

Enough for tonight. I’m drained. Tired. Must sleep so I can wake up and be a slave to the material and continue to dream of more.

As winter shifts into spring here, my allergies are acting up and so am I. heh. Yesterday someone told me that not everyone can climb. It was in reference to reaching new heights in life. I found that I was upset by this comment because my personal belief is that everyone has the ability to do whatever they want if they try hard enough. This may seem overly optimistic to some, but I believe in the human ability to overcome, persevere, and constantly reach new heights. My reaction surprises me now that I look back on the conversation. The strength with which I believe that I can do anything and that you can do anything kind of scares me.

Is it a good thing that I continue to believe that we can all do whatever we set our minds to? I don’t know. But I refuse to let go of that belief because it is how I push myself to greater things. Continual growth as a person is how I want to live and how I choose to live. Once I stop learning and growing, I start dying … and I intend to live forever.

I write this because I feel like my belief is somewhat childish. Knowing that I’ve a bit of a Peter Pan complex, I question whether or not my belief is healthy. But why should I let go of dreams? Why should I cast aside that which I want for that which I can have? I don’t think I should. Neither should anyone else. I propose that we should always dream big, but use a filter that keeps us grounded in reality as we work toward those dreams … never use a filter that says you can’t, only use ones that say you can.

Enough with this. heh. I have to get back to work.